Billy the Bud(d)

I watched Billy Budd  yesterday and was gratified that it did not seem corny or juvenile to today's me.  And while I did not sob as I remember doing so many years ago, I was still touched and moved to tears .........of what sentiment(s) I do not clearly know how to label.   The themes and qualities depicted in the film I resonate(d)with were:

1) Trust
2) Honesty
3) Simplicity
4) Humor and/or good-naturedness
5) Forgiveness
6) Penetrating understanding
7) Gratitude
8) Empathy

and........

9) the "fatal flaw(s)" of humanness


Billy Budd  was released in 1962.  I would have been 11 or 12 at that time.  However, I do not remember watching this film in the theater, but rather on the small screen of my parents television; alone, in the dark, and late at night.  Based on this memory, I place my age of viewing at mid to later teens.  I cannot remember identifying with any of the characters, but I do remember aspiring to the values Billy Budd naturally embodied.  I do still.

So what does this have to do with the journey I am embarking on?  Well, the tale as written, is, in many ways,  the same tale of Jesus and his life.  I remember making the connection so many years ago, and through this connection, for the very first time,  experiencing the biblical story of Jesus as "real", having sprung from human flesh and divine spirit.  Up until then, it had been no different than any comic book tale, or any of the mythologies I had been so fascinated with, (2 dimensional entertainment).  With the movie Billy Budd, the story of Jesus leapt out of the background of my life? psyche? and touched/(torched) an "aliveness".

The Romance of it All

Haven't quite known how to proceed with this new project of mine, this exploration into how Zen and Christianity exists within this little frame.  I don't even know if this project has any purpose or direction other than to just be.  It all feels very familiar, simply knowing this is the "next thing to do"....... (a feeling of absolute certainty, which in the past, propelled me into doing things like walking the Appalachian Trail back in 2008 or the El Camino de Santiago in 2010). Don't know why I am being pushed/pulled/called to and/or enticed into this activity - but am trusting it will be quite the adventure/teacher.

 I met with a small group of persons (4) via skype yesterday.  These folks are also interested in the intersection of Zen (Buddhism?) and Christianity.  We come from different countries, different backgrounds and different spiritual histories. During our first meeting we shared our reasons for agreeing to participate in this 2 year process, and in so doing, shared a bit of our "spiritual" backgrounds. At the end of our conversation, I found myself suggesting we start our next meeting with examining what "God", or the word "God", means to each of us, (and was very surprised at the earnestness of this request of mine - "What IS God?").  After we hung up, I realized I have not asked myself this question even once in the past 45 years.  Why haven't I?  What is this thing/process that is referred to in shorthand, by me,  "God"?  And more interestingly, (for me), the question arises, "What is this cutoff portion of myself which is connected to this word/concept God?

When I opened last night to this not knowing, I immediately remembered three movies which had tremendous impact on me as a child.

One of these was the film adaptation of Herman Melville's Billy Budd

https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/1002407-billy_budd/

A second equally important film for me was as adaptation of

 Kathryn Hulme's The Nun's Story

https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/the_nuns_story/

The third was The film adaptation of William Barrett's 

Lilies of the Field

https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/1012370-lilies_of_the_field/

Why these three films?  I have watched a lifetime of movies, and have forgotten most of them.  Yet these three movies spoke/speak to me in a way that is visceral still when I think of them.  There are scenes in each that are as vivid in my mind's eye as they were when I saw them more than 50 years ago. ...(WOW!  50  - really?  .....OMG - I really am getting old!   :D  )  Anyway, I downloaded them last night and over the next few days I intend to watch them and see what happens, if anything.  I want to see what appealed to me as a child, and I want to see if that appeal is still true for me now at 65 years of age.

I will let you know what happens.

Puffer Fish and Other Wonders

This month I start on a planned 2 year personal journey.  It is a journey to stand still and, be - be with, an internal schism I have discovered between my "Buddhist" and "Christian" sides. One which seems to predate (or circumvent) the age of (my) reason.  Currently this internal discord is experienced as an immediate puffer fish danger response whenever I am exposed to traditional "God language".

(I wonder if this puffer fish ever wonders about the Hand of God?)

This reaction occurs even though I have an experience based "belief" in the wholeness of the "Game of One and Two".  I have been aware of this incongruity for quite awhile now.

Several days ago I began to chew on this "koan" in an earnest way, and in doing so, came to realize this has been going on since I declared myself an "Agnostic" at a very early age (8 years old?).  I clearly saw that this was, and still is, a position of fearful "I don't want to think about it" compromise, avoiding a something I know not.  

The past few years I have been working with folks trying to reconcile their Christian belief system with their Zen practice, and in doing so,  have been forced to look at my, "When in metric think metric, and when in USA standard think USA standard" stance to this "life as it is" koan.

Over time I have become more and more curious about this schism, (or is that braver and braver, or more likely, more and more uncomfortable?).  So, to give myself some structure in which to explore, I have enrolled in the Franciscan Living School program https://cac.org/living-school/living-school-welcome/  which begins this month.  

Already there is fog arising.  

Here I plan to journal about this process of being a process.  So, dear reader, be forewarned, this is most likely to be an entirely personal "I - I, me - me, now - now" kind of a read.  Proceed at your own risk of complete boredom.