Puffer Fish and Other Wonders

This month I start on a planned 2 year personal journey.  It is a journey to stand still and, be - be with, an internal schism I have discovered between my "Buddhist" and "Christian" sides. One which seems to predate (or circumvent) the age of (my) reason.  Currently this internal discord is experienced as an immediate puffer fish danger response whenever I am exposed to traditional "God language".

(I wonder if this puffer fish ever wonders about the Hand of God?)

This reaction occurs even though I have an experience based "belief" in the wholeness of the "Game of One and Two".  I have been aware of this incongruity for quite awhile now.

Several days ago I began to chew on this "koan" in an earnest way, and in doing so, came to realize this has been going on since I declared myself an "Agnostic" at a very early age (8 years old?).  I clearly saw that this was, and still is, a position of fearful "I don't want to think about it" compromise, avoiding a something I know not.  

The past few years I have been working with folks trying to reconcile their Christian belief system with their Zen practice, and in doing so,  have been forced to look at my, "When in metric think metric, and when in USA standard think USA standard" stance to this "life as it is" koan.

Over time I have become more and more curious about this schism, (or is that braver and braver, or more likely, more and more uncomfortable?).  So, to give myself some structure in which to explore, I have enrolled in the Franciscan Living School program https://cac.org/living-school/living-school-welcome/  which begins this month.  

Already there is fog arising.  

Here I plan to journal about this process of being a process.  So, dear reader, be forewarned, this is most likely to be an entirely personal "I - I, me - me, now - now" kind of a read.  Proceed at your own risk of complete boredom.