Some Very Preliminary Musings on God, Ego and Mysticism East and West

(Hmmmmm......   big topic this).

This musing is sparked by discomfort I experience when Christian writers seem to speak of God as something other than creation, something outside of creation.  When they do this, they almost always allude to, or speak directly of, this God as having a game plan of some sort, complete with desires and the consequences of desires, (anger, joy, sadness).

Now, beyond what may or may not be accurate, let me speak of the hook on which I hang.

To me, to speak of God as an entity (separate or not) with will to do and desires to fulfill, seems to be  an anthropomorphizing of this which we call God.  In this WE make God into our likeness, and when I do that, I can definitely fall into seeing God as a dictator with resources and understanding no greater than my own.  Resentment then arises as I see "unfairness" of being at the whim of another, all be it, all powerful something/somebody.  This type of relationship just seems false to me somehow, and if not false still something I am happy to rebel against and be punished for.  God in this limited (false?) form reminds me in some ways of the Twilight Zone episode of "Its a Good Life".  

I probably have this sense of trepidation, distrust and rejection of an anthropomorphized God since I grew up in a home where parents were unstable, immature and who thus, tended to be very conditional in their love and acceptance of me, of each other, and of everything and everybody else.  If I had experienced a home where parents were more accepting of life as it is and who were able to consistently exhibit a love not predicated on my or other's behavior or attitudes, then perhaps I could surrender to such a conceptualized God.  Is this ego?  Is this not wanting to be less than anything else?  Perhaps, perhaps not - I don't know - and I fall back into habit (being?) of many years now and become the question(s) "What is this?"  "Who is it that rejects?"  - and I answer myself  -"don't know" - and relax into what is.

The Christian mystics often speak about us not being God in a way I relate to........ in a way that seems the same as my parlance of the wave not being the ocean but yet is the same as the ocean.  The ocean is not the wave(ing), but is. The wave(ing) I am, is the ocean expressing its ocean-ness.  I am -and -  I AM.   I see/experience/am multiplicity and unity - NOT - greater than and less than (though this would be part of the whole as well (verse from Affirming Faith in Mind - "Distinctions such as large and small
 have relevance for you no more. The largest is the smallest too—
here limitations have no place").  In this, surrender is joy.  

I suspect this dichotomy I am addressing in this preliminary musing is a tempest in a teapot, but it consistently hooks me.  So far, Finley, Rohr and Bourgeault (teachers of the Living School) speak more loudly of waving-s of sea than they do of God the creator apart from creation - though the will of God, the desire of God is still there in their language and I wriggle upon the hook.

Now let me speak briefly of the word which has brought me to this discussion today.  That word is unworthy.

I see this word over and over again in Christian literature.  "We are unworthy. I am unworthy" of, (fill in the blank), God's love, God's mercy, God's sufferance to my continued existence, Grace, etc., and in response to such a statement comes:

1) First a a visceral experience of outrage.

2)  Second, an understanding that to hold a position of unworthiness of one's self, and thus being the opposite of God, (dichotomy) actually strengthens identification with the personality/ego, (which is simply the clothing covering simple centrality).  This position of unworthiness is supposed to free us from ego/personality but fails more times than not - and often results in creating an ego-morph of "false" humility. (my opinion).  

3) and Thirdly, if I but change the wording a bit to create the concept/understanding that "I" (relative and universal) cannot, need not do anything to be/experience the totality of oneness (God), (or cause it to disappear), then, there is relaxing into "truth", that sense of wholeness which I experience as love.  

Necessary re-framing?  Egoistic manipulation?  Bridge building between isolated morphs?  Intellectual grappling with paradox?

"Who asks?" - "Don't know"

- to be continued -